Instead of checking up on your spouse, it may be time to check-in.
Marriage counseling has been a stigma for many Black families. Lester L. Barclay, author of The African-American Guide to Divorce & Drama: Breaking Up Without Breaking Down, shared with Essence.com that it’s more common for Black couples to neglect the idea that a part of their marital trouble is poor mental health and they, particularly men, refuse to seek professional help.
“Historically, Black people have been taught that what happens in this house stays in this house or we have been taught to sweep things under the rug,” says Dr. TaMara Griffin, a certified clinical sexologist and relationship expert. This mindset, Dr. Griffin believes, has contributed to the breakdown of many Black marriages, families, and communities.
Instead of seeking counseling, some find it easier to call a lawyer to end their marriage. Black people often take pride in their strength, but true strength lies in fighting for a marriage, even when it requires outside help.
“Seeking a marriage and family therapist can provide an outside, unbiased perspective and input that can help you and your partner/spouse see things in a new way. They can also provide tools and techniques that couples can use to save and strengthen their marriage,” explains Dr. Griffin.
Counselors help couples navigate many issues, including intimacy, infidelity, differing parenting styles, money management, communication, and overbearing in-laws.
Here are five reasons to consider marriage counseling, even if your relationship is doing well.
1. Strengthen Your Bond
Many couples seek counseling to improve their relationship but don’t know how. This is often the case for those who have lost intimacy and function more like roommates than lovers. A licensed counselor can help identify and address the issues causing disengagement, getting your relationship back on track.
2. Address Serious Issues
Some issues are too heavy to discuss with loved ones, including your spouse. Childhood trauma, depression, sexual assault, and grief can bring psychological baggage into a relationship. In these cases, individual counseling for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) may be necessary.
However, individual counseling alone may not suffice. It’s also essential to seek marriage counseling to discuss the symptoms and impact of PTSD on your marriage. “Working with a marriage and family therapist individually and collectively can help offer perspective on how to support each other while dealing with individual challenges,” says Dr. Griffin.
3. Effective Communication
Couples often find it easier to discuss their problems when they are upset. However, discussing issues while emotional can be challenging for both partners. One may be too emotional to articulate their feelings, while the other may struggle to understand. “You will learn how to be assertive without being offensive. Both spouses need to be able to talk about their issues without fear of hurting the other spouse,” says Cathy Meyer, a marriage educator.
4. Improve Understanding
Sometimes, spouses don’t fully understand each other until a third party steps in. A therapist can help bridge this gap. Counselors teach effective communication skills, helping couples not only listen to each other but also process what is being said.
5. Ongoing Maintenance
It’s easy to forget to ask your spouse what they need or to act on those needs. Marital therapy isn’t just for relationships in trouble; it’s also a great way to maintain a healthy relationship. This is particularly important in maintaining a healthy sexual relationship. “A marriage and family therapist can teach you the tools to help you spice up your marriage and to keep things sexy in and out of the bedroom,” says Dr. Griffin.
Finding the Right Counselor
The key to successful counseling is finding the right therapist. Not all counselors specialize in marriage and family therapy. Before hiring a therapist, ask about their experience with marriage counseling.
If cost is a concern, look for income-based counseling programs or services offered by local colleges. These services, often provided by graduate students under the supervision of a licensed therapist, can be very affordable.
If you and your spouse decide your marriage is worth fighting for, both of you must be willing to seek help and commit to the process. “Keep in mind that changes will not occur overnight,” advises Dr. Griffin. “You will experience good days and challenging days – that’s all part of the healing and growth process. But if you are totally committed to each other and trust the process, the results will ultimately pay off.”
Marriage counseling can be a powerful tool for strengthening relationships, addressing deep-seated issues, and maintaining a healthy partnership. Breaking the stigma and seeking help can lead to a happier, more fulfilling marriage.